Back and Same As Ever

I’m back. Did you miss me?

I’ve noticed this funny thing happening to me recently. It’s kind of like happiness or excitement. Each is part of it, but I wouldn’t say that either concept quite grasps it entirely. 

I’ve been at my new job for just about two months now, and I’ve found new purpose in waking up in the morning—almost enjoying doing so. 

It’s something more like value, I think. 

It took me a while to wrap my mind around coming back to work at my alma mater. Mental fortitude and all that business. This is a place that I cherish so dearly, but also one that I knew would always be there should I ever desperately need a job. I don’t want to ever feel like I am settling, though, or that a job is being handed to me for no merit but my alumnus status.   

I don’t feel that way, and it’s nice. I feel as though I'm contributing substance to something I believe in. Harboring hopes of not sounding too dramatic, it took some soul searching to come to a place of confidence and peace with a decision to work here. Ultimately, though, the greater search has been for an explanation for why, in the first place, might I feel like I was settling. Anyone who knows me enough knows that it’s been my dream to eventually be back at Reserve to teach a writing course, and likely breath my last while sitting contently in the third base dugout of Pioneer Park. Not TOO dramatic. 

Validating myself has been the key to unlocking some peace. I am doing good work—meaningful work—and I’m doing it in way uniquely my own, driving success for an entity that means something special to me. Do I wholeheartedly believe that? Jury’s still out. 

To belabor a point, this blog project has helped me achieve even half a confident mindset.

It's been so long since I've sat down and done this, and it has felt sometimes like something was disconnected or missing. I have wanted to, and even, in a few moments of perseverance and diligence, started to. But, nothing's come up. It's a new part of this challenge. I've got many more moving parts in my life now than I did when this started, so I should have plenty to write about, but it's not come yet. 

I don't want to write about my job or marketing or business, because I don't think I have anything worth contributing to that discussion yet. Yet. I'm putting together a catalog of lessons, though, that I may be able to articulate in a productive manner down the line.

What’s most important to me now is my learning process. I set out to find a job in the ad world without quite knowing what that meant. And, while I still might not know, in two short months, I’ve come to understand what I can do to learn about myself and what I want to do, as well as the best manner of doing so. 

Creativity has become to me a process of trial and error, and I've found a circumstance that allows me to go about it. All I really wanted was somewhere where the process was cultivated and promoted. I'm grateful for the opportunity, regardless of place.

On my first day at the job, I helped formulate an idea for a project and, as a result of that contribution—and not yet having anything on my plate (first day)—was effectively given prerogative to take the lead on it. This week, we've got final products. Idea to execution to product, I've seen a project through. It's a small feat on face value, perhaps, but a milestone I'm proud to say I've reached. 

I've hit a groove with work. It's great to feel like I've got a routine now—and a healthy, non-toxic work environment—that is conducive to cultivating, once again, good habits in my personal life. Now, the routine's a flexible structure that doesn't hold me prisoner. It's not a regimented stronghold that holds me back from my creative process.

I won't pretend like I've got all the freedom in the world like I used to, but I've got lots of room for myself, and no room for excuses. 

The Burden's back again. Not that it ever left. Hopefully it's not another two months till you hear from us again.

This took a while. Getting here, to this point, took a lot of ups and downs. It's been a long year of trying to find my place but, regardless of permanence, I think I've done so. So thanks to everyone who's been there for that ride. For everything. Thanks for supporting me, for telling me I'm creative, for reminding me to write this post, for making sure I know that I've done good and will continue to do so. Because of all of you, I just might believe it. 

Love you all.